down....

Its hard to explain to others that you are seriously looking for a job when all people see is you sitting and watching movies all day....

My first goodbye...

And so the Good bye starts...

HAd my first goodbye with my Sunday School kids...

Truely love them to bits and i think they do too=)

Took my last photo with them...



Faith, Aaron, Anthony, Madeline and Jaime...

I will miss them='(

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

I'm plagued to decide all sorts of choices that are given to me. Choices that will effect my adventure here in the US. Rushmore or Chicago? Artifacts or Essays? All sorts of decisiosn to decide. To choose which group of friends to go with and I have no idea who I wanna join or where I wanna go. People will get hurt if I decide to or against and I do not want to be the person that people hate. Already I have done so many things wrong and I don't know why and how it happened?

Things are not easy. Choices are offered and decisions have to be made and all have to be done fast! I hate this feeling... Why can't we do things like back home? WHat happened to being a last minuter? Sorry no such thing when ur in US...

I wish things would be easier. I wish there was a book that tells me what should I do. I wish that God would just let me know which is the best road to take and just close the others so that I do not feel regretful and look at my opportunity cost.

May the Lord help me and give me strength!!!

LORD Unto your hands I commit again!!!

Holloween and more...

Halloween started early for me. I went to a get together organized by my friend Brian on Halloween eve at his place off campus. We walked to his place at around 9.30pm. People were dressed up in different costumes. There were witches, devils, lumberjack and others. A few of the international students including myself did not dressed up but mixed and match our cloths and came up with something. We played Wii and card games. I was introduced to different card games that were played all over the world. There were games from Finland to Ethiopia and of course American card games. I learnt a whole need set of card games. Later we left the party and wanted to go back to the dorms.

When I was resting in my room, Sully called me to join her at another party that was organized by the Maverick Bullpen which is the game room area. It was open day where we get to play pool and bowling for free. People were all dressed up in different and weird costumes and it was funny in some of them. One guy was a stripper while another cross-dressed. There was even a group of friends who dressed up in the whole complete set of characters from ‘Alice in Wonderland’ including Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb, Cheshire cat and the Queen of Hearts. It was really cool. There was a costume completion, lucky draws and a band playing. We play pool for a while before the announcement for the costume competition was announced. Not surprising the winner for the competition was the stripper. It was so funny when after he was awarded his prize; his friends took a photo of him being hand cuffed in all kinds of positions. We left after the party and that was when I realized I lost my phone. I went back and tried looking for it but could not find it. I tried calling it but the battery died soon after as there was not much battery left. I really hope someone would find it and give it back to me. I posted notices around the campus so I can only hope that it will be returned to me if it is found as soon as possible as I really need the phone for a lot of other functions like for time and alarm clock.

Overall Halloween was fun but the bummer was my lost phone. It was great to dress up and see people going all out in their costumes. It sucked as I now have to buy a new phone and phones here are exp. I love Malaysia more now....

Till then...Ciao=)

Its only weird if u see it that way....

Its only weird if you see it that way,
no one knows and no one cares,
If you can see through the weirdness and all,
then you would see the beauty of it all.

The times we had was fun and easy going,
nice, comfortable and simply pleasing.
We told each other everything,
which was the best part of the whole thing.

Secrets that we wouldn't dream telling,
went through advantures that were quite thrilling,
and just because of a spontaneous saying,
you want to throw away everything?

Why oh Why do u keep seeing its weirdness,
but not look at the other side, the brightness,
there is nothing to be weird about,
unless you yourself are in doubt?

The times when we would just talk,
tease and poke fun when we walk,
now even when we talk,
your guard is on to block.

What's there to block i do not know,
unless there is something that you do not want to show.
I have no clue how your brain goes,
but something tells me that you know.

I know the timing was sucky down right
Trust me, it was not suppose to come to light,
but all the questions at that night,
Why oh Why didn't I kept my lips tight!

Take all the time you need to heal,
recollect and find your ideals,
soul search while having fun,
enjoy it to the fullest with no intended pun.

The ball is now at your court,
I'm not asking you to do anything.
just don't weird out on me now,
we'll see how it goes for here...

As THE DAY draw near...

How time flies, its now less than 20 days away-18 to be exact- b4 i fly off 2 US.

IT has been a holiday that I have wanted after 3 yrs of the course. I always felt that 3 yrs was too long for a TESL course and wanted a change of environment. However, now that I've got it, I've new things coming to mind. WHAT IF I didn't get it and had continued wif my studies? WHAT IF it was all for nothing but fun and games? WHAT IF this was not really what I wanted? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?....

All that aside, I've started to plan my packing. What to bring? What to buy? buy here or buy there? OH the 1000 million things to think abt. I suck sometimes, especially when Dad is away at Melacca and I need stuff done that only he can do when he is around. I'm leaving in less than 18 days and all he ever think abt is his STUPID tender happening. Heck he spends more time wif his computer when he is home than us. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. I've nvr felt like this b4? Y am I so hung up of my father spending time wif me? Y do I feel like my parents love my sibs more than me? Am I jealous because I'm selfish? Y do i feel unappreciated by them?....

Growing up its always been that I have to get stuff done by myself if I want stuff. I always have to find my own way to get stuff done whereas they hv everything given to them. I have to sacrifice just because i'm Koko. I hv to go f6 because no money if I go overseas. I hv 2 go public Uni so that they can go college. I hv 2 find my own scholarship because they are not gonna be able to afford wif Sibs going to college BUT when I grad, I MUST help PAY for their education especially when they go overseas, be it UK, NZ or Australia!!! WHERE IS THE FAIRNESS WEI!!!!

ANYWAY...back to the main point, I'm leaving soon but I'm so not prepared. Just started listing today and man do i hv lots of stuff to bring... hvn't even decided which luggage 2 bring, how many to bring, what to bring, when wanna leave for KL, where to stay when i'm in KL b4 I fly off..oh the things to think abt!!! HEADACHE AH!!! Some more hv 2 visit relatives b4 I leave... aiyo....

Oh well...I suppose it should all come to pass and I will soon look back and smile at this, but for now....ARGH!!!!....

Ciao=D

Of meetings and Gatherings....

After I got my visa on last monday, things seem to move so slowly...

Had to stay back for Pre Departure Orientation on last Wednesday so had to keep staying on in PJ. Personally I wanted to go home but because of this I had to sleep in the living room till Thursday, or so I thought. Thought of giving the Sunday Steamboat wif housemates a skip as I've been in PJ for far too long d. Then Wednesday passed and Thursday came and the Sunday steamboat became a tempting idea. So stayed in the PJ house for the whole thursday and felt that it just ticked away....told myself will not waste my friday like that=D

Friday came and went to around Shob's new place in the pretext of wanting to get the Stuff form Kuching from Hui Woon but ended up making Pizza wif Grace and had makan dinner wif Hui Woon, Kouji and Elven. Catched up with them on the latest happenings and had fun. Had 'Kam Chia Hua'- a sarawakian dish that tasted just like pork but Hui Woon says its vegetarian so it was unbelieably good=D Went to cell and met new ppl. Had fun and reaslised It was my last cell after 3 yrs b4 i leave for US for a year...So gonna miss them=D

Saturday came and met up wif more ppl. The gathering was good but too bad it was so short. Wished we had more time dearies=D

Went to church on sunday and told them it might be my last sunday wof them. Aunty Doreen wanted 2 hv lunch wif me but too bad Ah Boy and the gang said earlier so I went wif them for lunch. Left Kidzone b4 it even finished. So bad rite!!! Looks like I didnt't do a good job saying good bye there=(

Had lunch wif Chia Hoa, Fei How, Edwin, Jackson, Yeong Lin and Ah Tak. Man it has been long since we all had makan time together like that. The last was in Kolej I think...We were fist yrs then, now all sudah besar, working and interning---I miss the old days... Watched 'Obsessed' wif them and man was it a show filled wif loopholes. Entertaining no doubt but so not believeable=D

Came back thinking that will help in preparation for steamboat but Mum had to call and ask me to get 'Swidish bitters' of all times. SO BAD TMING!!!! I had to leave and when i came back it was already almost 7.45. Makan was suppose 2b at 7.30 and i looked so bad for not doing anything and just makan. When everybody reached we started makan and tat was when we slowly got 2 know everybody! There was 15 ppl there that nite and it was acombination of housemates, ex-housemates, housemates loved ones and squaters(me)... Dr Juliana called and talked like for hours and I missed cleaning up time as well as the guest leaving. Another bad farewell on my part! SUCH A JERK aren't I!!! SO SORRY PPL!!!!

My fliight ticket is here and will be flying off on 16/8 at 10.45pm at KLIA. based on what i've done and evaluaded myself, I think I don't deserve anything for my friends...I should just go off and get out of their lives...I feel so small and undeserving...

Better get a hole a just bury myself...Thank God I'm going back tomorrow!!! Ciao")

Y oh Y???....

Why do I feel like I'm missing something? I see Jinni, Rachel and Francis day in day ot going to school for teaching practise and find myself wondering have I made the right choice? Was postponing my studies just for a free trip to US really worth it? I will not have the support that I'll get like now if I go for teaching practise next year, comfortable with my batchmates who I've come to be close with. Instead YR and I'll be left hanging with the juniors and I wonder is that a good thing? Will I get the support system that I will get now? Will it be tougher? Will I get along with the juniors? Will the conditions be as favourable to me next year as it would be to me this year?

All the sudden the grass on the other side just got greener. I have the urge to go do teaching practise and ditch US. But all is too late. I've already chosen this path and must continue with it as there is NO TURNING BACK!!!. I can't turn back time or travel with a time machine and go back to December. There is nothing I can do as I feel powerless fighting against my pass decisions.

Y the sudden impluse to want to experience what the rest is experiencing I dun know. BUT 1 thing is for sure, I think the feeling of looking back will continue to happen this week as I wait in A5-1, HM patiently till Monday to collect my Visa at Wisma MCA.

How do I make it go away I dun know but I hope it will. I do not want to regret not going to US but I will forever remember it as the reason that i'm not convoing in 2010 with the TESL batch of 2006/2007==> the ONE THING that I feel I've paid a high price in exchange for the year of experience. I SO GONNA MISS THEM!!!! And not convoing with them just makes it sucky!!!!

Call my old. Call me sentimental. Call me 生在福中不知福 but I feel like apart of me is griefing for the inability to be in the field with the rest of you guys now. The pain, the grief and the sweat, the tears that all of you are going through right now I'll never know till next year when I go through it myself. Therefore useless I stand as I have NO IDEA what to do as I'm always have and idealistic view till I go into the REAL world.

Went through my Visa interview today and watch Ice Age 3. All went down according to plan and I can only pray that the plas will continue to flow nicely.

BTW, I'm in PJ now....Ciao

Moved out...

I moved out today...

Left the place that i called home for the past 1 year. It was tough...

After an oven, 1 matress, 1 bucket, 1 laudry bag, 3 bags and 4 boxes later, i'm done! Its so fast! I guess I was living a very simple live after all...

Gonna miss the place, the people and the familiar surroundings. Hopefully after a year later i can move back, if the conditions are still the same like now....hopefully...

Its just sad to leave PJ and KL after being here for 3 years albeit all the complaining and all;P

Nostalgia lingers....

I wanna run!!!!!!

I want 2 be liberated...I wanna be free...I wanna be released...

I can't wait 4 this two weeks 2 pass. In fact i want it 2 be over NOW so that I can go back HOME!!!...

Rest assured, i'm not homesick. Its been 3 years since i left home so i can deal with that. in fact i'm happy that i'm out of home as I've learned a lot from this out of home experience. i feel that i've really grown a lot from all this 3 years.

It just that this sem has been tough, especially the last month. Assignments, presentations and more assignments, its too much. I feel like i've studied enough. 4 years is too long. I wanna escape. I wanna run. I wanna drop all this crap n just dun look back.

So now all i do is moan n cry n wish 4 8/4/2009 to come so that i'll be free...free..free...

Drained...

I feel empty n hollow inside.

I dun feel like i have anything more inside of me 2 give to this world.

Worst thing is there are exams, tests and presentations 2 attend 2 but i just dun feel like i've anything 2 give.

I feel zapped out, drained n lost. I feel so uncertain about the future. Unable 2 plan 4 things 2 happen n work through the months n weeks is so not me.

I seem 2b losing control over my life n i can't stand 2 c it slip by n do nothing. I gotda do something! Anything! but i just have no strength left...just 2 hollow 2 give.

James rite! how do i give bread if i myself dun eat bread?

I need 2 recharge, rejuvante and re-energize myself.

I need 2 find, comfort, confidence n composure.

and for that, i need HOME, FAMILY, SOLITUDE!!!

sigh...

Do I disgust u?

Do i? Do I?

Is it that bad until u have 2 hide urself from me?

Do I really disgust u that badly that u have 2 resort 2 not coming back for 2 days now?

U said it was fine d but ur actions show otherwise. If u have a problem with me, come find me! Don't run and hide...

I have no problem facing u coz i dun c anything wrong but if u do, come face me! I won't eat u, i won't shout.

But if it's because of HER that's making u avoid me then that settles it!!! I would be lying if I say I'm not mad but I'll take the high road. I CHOOSE TO TAKE THE PATH LESS TRAVELLED BY and I'll leave u guys alone. At the same time, I truely, sincerely wish u both all the best in ur future undertakings from the bottom of my heart...

BUT know this as well....

I'm truely disappointed with u...T.T

Only time will tell....

It has already happened and i can't do anything about it. I can't turn back time and take back what i said but i dun regrat saying those words. I'm sad that it got misinterpreted and cause all this unhappiness 2 happen but at least we've talked about it and solved it. I hope it is buried and dead n will not come 2 haunt us in the future, if we ever will have one after this!!!

I hope u know i value our friendship A LOT. Words would not even begin to describe how much IT HURTS after all the shit that we've been through for the past coming 3 years but if u choose to put that 1 and a half years in front of us then i can only say i'm disappointed and i wish u well...

I love to have things like they were b4 but i KNOW it will not ever happen. Things will never be the same again. I HOPE, SERIOUSLY HOPE from the bottom of my heart that i am wrong and u do the very least still hold our friendship as dear as i do...

It did not play out as how i wanted it to be. The aim was her, NEVER U. It hurt the wrong person and i admit it was wrong for us to assume that u would look at it our angle. It backfired. It was meant to UPSET, not ploted against because we was jealous and wanted u to fail n fall. There was NEVER, EVER the intention of seeing u fall or fail. That was NEVER, EVER there. IT was all misinterpreted because of A word and the both of u don't even know its true meaning!!!U know as well as i do that I've always supported u in whatever u were planning on doing. U always ran them by me and i just gave u my opinion. I know u look up to me but i'm only human, i made a mistake...

Oh how i wish it will be over and we were back to how we were. Things were good then but now it is so awkward and to a certain level, fake. Will it ever be the same again? Will the wounds ever heal? or will it leave a scar so deep that it would take forever to heal?

...Only time will tell:'(...

Sayang....Kau Kau will always miss you:'(

My 5 Ee passed on 4 days ago and I left KL on Thurday afternoon.

I'm was super sad then and still am. I know i may sound unrational but I still want her with me. She was sick lah and it was better that she went back to the Father and thus ended her suffering but still...I was not ready to say good bye. She was only 46. How am I suppose to accept that! My 'sayang' always wanted me stay with her but I always had to leave for KL. Stupid UM at Stupid KL. Y can't it just be in Penang, then i don't need to leave Penang!T.T

When had fun together. She was only double my age. She the 1 who took care of me when I was young and kena buli by my other cousins. She was the one who took me go jalan-jalan. She was the one who took me to my 1st movie outing at Rex cinema and together we took the bus there and back. She was always there. Now she is gone! GONE!!!Yes she's gone HOME to be with the LORD but I still want her here!SOB!

When she was cremated I was crying buckets. I don't know how the other can withhold their tears but I was all blury...I didn't get to talk 2 her for the last time. When I wanted to call her 3 days b4 she went down hill, she couldn't talk to me,she just didn't have the strength to and i know it was bad. SHE never refuse to talk to me. She was always excited to talk 2 me. Now we can never talk again! I'll never hear her voice again and it pains me!!!!!

When I was told about her death, I had a dream then she was sitting in the living of of my Grandma's house in blue. All her sister's were helping her mother decorating and she was just sitting on the floor. her favorite spot when we are always talking. She was just looking around, happy that everybody is with her. How I'll miss her simple joys in everything.

Sayang has taught me a lot. She always love me calling her that.She would smile and always said that she wanted to follow me to I leave to further my studies overseas. She would want to tag along and cook for me. Now...sigh...

We put her to rest today and it was sunny. She loved sunny days. She loved to sing. Now...I can only have memories of that...

I WANT MY 5 EE BACK!!!! but sadly My God loved her more and took her HOME and in a way, it was good as it ended her suffering on earth to a better place.

Till we meet again 5 Ee...Sayang...