As THE DAY draw near...

How time flies, its now less than 20 days away-18 to be exact- b4 i fly off 2 US.

IT has been a holiday that I have wanted after 3 yrs of the course. I always felt that 3 yrs was too long for a TESL course and wanted a change of environment. However, now that I've got it, I've new things coming to mind. WHAT IF I didn't get it and had continued wif my studies? WHAT IF it was all for nothing but fun and games? WHAT IF this was not really what I wanted? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?....

All that aside, I've started to plan my packing. What to bring? What to buy? buy here or buy there? OH the 1000 million things to think abt. I suck sometimes, especially when Dad is away at Melacca and I need stuff done that only he can do when he is around. I'm leaving in less than 18 days and all he ever think abt is his STUPID tender happening. Heck he spends more time wif his computer when he is home than us. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. I've nvr felt like this b4? Y am I so hung up of my father spending time wif me? Y do I feel like my parents love my sibs more than me? Am I jealous because I'm selfish? Y do i feel unappreciated by them?....

Growing up its always been that I have to get stuff done by myself if I want stuff. I always have to find my own way to get stuff done whereas they hv everything given to them. I have to sacrifice just because i'm Koko. I hv to go f6 because no money if I go overseas. I hv 2 go public Uni so that they can go college. I hv 2 find my own scholarship because they are not gonna be able to afford wif Sibs going to college BUT when I grad, I MUST help PAY for their education especially when they go overseas, be it UK, NZ or Australia!!! WHERE IS THE FAIRNESS WEI!!!!

ANYWAY...back to the main point, I'm leaving soon but I'm so not prepared. Just started listing today and man do i hv lots of stuff to bring... hvn't even decided which luggage 2 bring, how many to bring, what to bring, when wanna leave for KL, where to stay when i'm in KL b4 I fly off..oh the things to think abt!!! HEADACHE AH!!! Some more hv 2 visit relatives b4 I leave... aiyo....

Oh well...I suppose it should all come to pass and I will soon look back and smile at this, but for now....ARGH!!!!....

Ciao=D

Of meetings and Gatherings....

After I got my visa on last monday, things seem to move so slowly...

Had to stay back for Pre Departure Orientation on last Wednesday so had to keep staying on in PJ. Personally I wanted to go home but because of this I had to sleep in the living room till Thursday, or so I thought. Thought of giving the Sunday Steamboat wif housemates a skip as I've been in PJ for far too long d. Then Wednesday passed and Thursday came and the Sunday steamboat became a tempting idea. So stayed in the PJ house for the whole thursday and felt that it just ticked away....told myself will not waste my friday like that=D

Friday came and went to around Shob's new place in the pretext of wanting to get the Stuff form Kuching from Hui Woon but ended up making Pizza wif Grace and had makan dinner wif Hui Woon, Kouji and Elven. Catched up with them on the latest happenings and had fun. Had 'Kam Chia Hua'- a sarawakian dish that tasted just like pork but Hui Woon says its vegetarian so it was unbelieably good=D Went to cell and met new ppl. Had fun and reaslised It was my last cell after 3 yrs b4 i leave for US for a year...So gonna miss them=D

Saturday came and met up wif more ppl. The gathering was good but too bad it was so short. Wished we had more time dearies=D

Went to church on sunday and told them it might be my last sunday wof them. Aunty Doreen wanted 2 hv lunch wif me but too bad Ah Boy and the gang said earlier so I went wif them for lunch. Left Kidzone b4 it even finished. So bad rite!!! Looks like I didnt't do a good job saying good bye there=(

Had lunch wif Chia Hoa, Fei How, Edwin, Jackson, Yeong Lin and Ah Tak. Man it has been long since we all had makan time together like that. The last was in Kolej I think...We were fist yrs then, now all sudah besar, working and interning---I miss the old days... Watched 'Obsessed' wif them and man was it a show filled wif loopholes. Entertaining no doubt but so not believeable=D

Came back thinking that will help in preparation for steamboat but Mum had to call and ask me to get 'Swidish bitters' of all times. SO BAD TMING!!!! I had to leave and when i came back it was already almost 7.45. Makan was suppose 2b at 7.30 and i looked so bad for not doing anything and just makan. When everybody reached we started makan and tat was when we slowly got 2 know everybody! There was 15 ppl there that nite and it was acombination of housemates, ex-housemates, housemates loved ones and squaters(me)... Dr Juliana called and talked like for hours and I missed cleaning up time as well as the guest leaving. Another bad farewell on my part! SUCH A JERK aren't I!!! SO SORRY PPL!!!!

My fliight ticket is here and will be flying off on 16/8 at 10.45pm at KLIA. based on what i've done and evaluaded myself, I think I don't deserve anything for my friends...I should just go off and get out of their lives...I feel so small and undeserving...

Better get a hole a just bury myself...Thank God I'm going back tomorrow!!! Ciao")

Y oh Y???....

Why do I feel like I'm missing something? I see Jinni, Rachel and Francis day in day ot going to school for teaching practise and find myself wondering have I made the right choice? Was postponing my studies just for a free trip to US really worth it? I will not have the support that I'll get like now if I go for teaching practise next year, comfortable with my batchmates who I've come to be close with. Instead YR and I'll be left hanging with the juniors and I wonder is that a good thing? Will I get the support system that I will get now? Will it be tougher? Will I get along with the juniors? Will the conditions be as favourable to me next year as it would be to me this year?

All the sudden the grass on the other side just got greener. I have the urge to go do teaching practise and ditch US. But all is too late. I've already chosen this path and must continue with it as there is NO TURNING BACK!!!. I can't turn back time or travel with a time machine and go back to December. There is nothing I can do as I feel powerless fighting against my pass decisions.

Y the sudden impluse to want to experience what the rest is experiencing I dun know. BUT 1 thing is for sure, I think the feeling of looking back will continue to happen this week as I wait in A5-1, HM patiently till Monday to collect my Visa at Wisma MCA.

How do I make it go away I dun know but I hope it will. I do not want to regret not going to US but I will forever remember it as the reason that i'm not convoing in 2010 with the TESL batch of 2006/2007==> the ONE THING that I feel I've paid a high price in exchange for the year of experience. I SO GONNA MISS THEM!!!! And not convoing with them just makes it sucky!!!!

Call my old. Call me sentimental. Call me 生在福中不知福 but I feel like apart of me is griefing for the inability to be in the field with the rest of you guys now. The pain, the grief and the sweat, the tears that all of you are going through right now I'll never know till next year when I go through it myself. Therefore useless I stand as I have NO IDEA what to do as I'm always have and idealistic view till I go into the REAL world.

Went through my Visa interview today and watch Ice Age 3. All went down according to plan and I can only pray that the plas will continue to flow nicely.

BTW, I'm in PJ now....Ciao